i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
