the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
