It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize