did you get engaged???
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
