How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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