I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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