I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
