i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You ruined the universe
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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