Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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