I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
