We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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