I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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