his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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