her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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