Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
