Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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