Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
