This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
