I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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