Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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