Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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