i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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