I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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