I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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