In the future we'll all be gay
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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