I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
