So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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