my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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