saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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