My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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