i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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