woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
