Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
