so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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