tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
