She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
