You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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