Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
