Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize