fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
