Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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