My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
