If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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