I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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