It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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