if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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