i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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