I am in a vortex of obligation.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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