I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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