my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
