Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
