btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
