1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
