Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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