take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
