Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize