foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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