swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
