I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
