id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
