Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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