Ambien. No doubt about it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
