Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have fence marks all over my body
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
