so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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