I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize