I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How's work?
Spinning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize